I want to take a moment to talk about anxiety. 

It wasn’t until I started experiencing it for myself that I understood what it was. I used to have the mentality that it was just a common phrase people used to express a feeling of stress. I have learned the hard way that it is so much more than that. My state of mind can go so quickly from being exuberant with life and having an incredibly invincible mentality, to feeling as if the world is caving in all around me. Sometimes there are triggers; A room full of people, a stressful task nearing it’s deadline, a time of grief and sadness, and so on. Other times there is absolutely no explanation. The fear and doubt are always uninvited, but sometimes show up unannounced as well. 

Sometimes having anxiety means not being able to breathe. Sometimes it means not being able to communicate. Sometimes it means being extremely irritable. Sometimes it means being numb. Sometimes it’s a wave of inexplicable sadness that consumes us. Sometimes it is fear. Sometimes it is doubt. A lot of times it is ALL of these wrapped up in a giant gift from the psychological gods. I have no explanation. And it’s so easy for some to say, “Oh, but you seem so happy.” or, “But you have so much going for you.” Let me tell you before you give me this advice (or anyone experiencing anxiety), I know this, I think we all know this. I will forever be grateful for all of the hundreds of reasons I have to be happy. And there are HUNDREDS. But somehow, even knowing this can’t change this state of mind.

This “disorder” keeps me from doing the things I LOVE. I can’t be around people, but I don’t want to be alone. I can’t communicate, but I want someone to listen. Family gatherings become terrifying, being there for your friends becomes painful, listening to the other side of the conversation becomes impossible. I’ve been told some sort of strange gaze shows up in my eyes. A feeling of misplacement consumes me. A mask of distraction covers my face.

The fact is, anxiety is real. It may not be present in your life, but it’s more than likely present in life of someone around you, even if you aren’t aware. But when someone you love brings light to the fact that they’re feeling this way, have patience. I have never experienced any emotion before that was as impossible to talk about and explain as the ever looming monster that is anxiety.