chasing the sun

Recently, Dewayne and I drove south into and throughout all of the Florida keys only to have to retreat north again the following day. This drive was much more final than the first. Instead of exclaiming our presence and falling victim to our anticipation, we whispered our goodbyes quietly with each stretch of land and sea. On the road to mainland, we searched between the mile markers for one last glimpse of an oceanside sunset. We were in the birthplace of sunsets, afterall.

It didn’t take much searching for us to register that most of the islands’ western coasts were privately owned. And with this realization, the air in the car became denser and the light all around us moved at a pace we couldn’t quite compete with. Still, we drove and we watched the sky in envy as it prepared for its grand finale. Our spontaneous style leads us on unimaginable adventures, no doubt, but the risk we take is that sometimes we might just barely miss the most beautiful sunset known to man.

As I drive I imagine the sun taking his final bow of the evening and the moon lighting up the stage with her radiant glow. She’s hanging around all night carrying on conversations with old friends and strangers alike. In the morning light their memories will be blurred by the suns morning rays. He’s fully charged now thanks to a long nights rest granted by his tide tugging companion, the moon. The elation that was the night has faded away with the buzz of cheap wine and poorly rolled joints.

Approaching our last island, I realized how the fear of missing the perfect sunset had began robbing us of our joy. In an attempt to restore the moment, I spoke up. “Let’s just relax and enjoy the drive. If we come across somewhere to stop, awesome, but if not, the drive is absolutely stunning anyway.” “Yeah, you’re right.”

So I focused on the present and became more aware of my surroundings. I found appreciation for the beauty right under my nose. I caught glimpses of the light playing on two bodies of water at once. This in itself was magical. It’s as if you’re a kid straddling two state lines for the first time, feeling like you’ve just discovered a superpower of being in two places at once. However, rather than two states, for me, it was these two underwater galaxies separated by a tiny strip of land. And here they were being unmasked by this golden light all around me.

We continued on in soft silence, each of us still scanning the horizon for glimpses of beach, masking our anticipation more acutely than before. Dewayne must have caught a sliver of beach when he shouted out, “Turn around!” So I followed his directions, did what was probably an illegal u-turn in the middle of US 1, and ended up in a seemingly abandoned Salvation Army parking lot. I put the car in park next to a discarded (or maybe donated) queen size mattress.

Behind the building we found a tall, rusty chain link fence that held it’s arms wide open, exclaiming “Come in! I’ve been waiting here for a while.” Obviously knowing the polite thing to do, we welcomed the invitation and crossed the threshhold into the embrace of the ocean’s breeze. We could now hear faint voices being carried to us on the shoulders of the wind. It only made sense for us to trust the locals, so we pursued the voices with a little direction from our new friends.

A short walk later and we were able to match the mysterious voices to both patrons and staff of a dreamy tiki paradise. Some palm trees told us of how they had been eagerly awaiting our arrival. They showed us to a fire that had been prepared for us with two adironback chairs positioned just close enough to prevent chill bumps when the breeze rolls to shore. From our new seats we were granted with a brilliant performance in the sky. The clouds danced in sync with the Cirque du Soleil while the bay proudly reflected the production on its glassy waters for the entire audience to see.

Margarita in hand, I glance over at my partner only to find his gaze is already fixed on me. Neither of us spoke, the light in our eyes said it all. Magic.

freckled sky

I lay in bed and count Keller’s freckles as his chest rises and falls slowly to the rhythm of his breaths. The stars are hypnotizing tonight and they cause me to wander aimlessly through the landscape. In an attempt to ground myself and not get lost in the sky, I crawled into bed beside my heart that beats outside of my chest. I find myself drawn to the stars on his cheeks even more so than the ones I’d just abandoned outside. There is a milky way that runs diagnally across his face. It doesn’t take me long to find the big dipper resting on his rosy cheek. From there I follow along as it leads me to the North star, the star which tells me I’m in fact going the right way.

undress

Questions and comments I will receive after this post:

1. Who took that photo?

2. Marcie take it down!

3. DM’s from people who are suddenly interested in my life.

4. Family members swapping texts with one another remarking how they can’t believe I’d post such a thing. …And a multitude of others I presume.

So why even bother? To me this is a representation of a new beginning and of self love. This body has been stricken with disease, created and birthed a human, climbed mountains, carried a child miles and hours through forests just to share the magic, lugged pounds of snacks and medical supplies up and down trails for days just to prove I could, been broken and been tested time and time again and shown resilient every single time.

I am so happy to have left behind bras (and sometimes pants), hairbrushes (sorry, Hope), stress and anxiety, facades, and cookie cutter goals. In the middle of the desert, the coyotes hold no judgement, the deer don’t care when I showered last, and the breeze in the valley wraps her arms around me in an embrace everytime she says hello.

This body is mine to nurture. This body is mine to love. This body is mine to live in. This body belongs to no one – but me.

So the question shouldn’t be why bother – the question should be why are we constricting and contorting ourselves to fit into someone elses box?

Here I am, in my element, inhaling the bliss surrounding me and exhaling everything that is beyond my control. Maybe you oughtta give it a shot?

steadfast

Last night we parked off of a forest service road in Crested Butte near a downed tree and a hefty stump, both which were preventing us from going any further. After watching multiple cars pull up and turn around, I decided to hike down past the obstacles to see what there was to see. A little ways down the steep, rocky trail was a beautiful meadow with a collection of ponds. I knew I had to wake up there the next morning, obstacles be damned.

I marched back up to those two characters who thought they’d put a damper on my night, grabbed on tightly to that stumps arms and dragged him across my path and into the ditch, dusting my hands off in a bit of a celebratory way when I was done. Moving on to the tree resting nearby, I picked her up a bit more softly and gently than I had her companion, lifted her lightly, carrying her to the side of the road to be reunited with her friend, the stump, once again.

Feeling strong and empowered, I headed back to the van, loaded her up, and turned the wheel toward the road where once blocked by our dearest mother nature, was clear and inviting. The task of hefting the fallen trees was a piece of cake compared to actually rolling the van down the steep, jagged hills. Approaching the peak of our first downhill crawl, I hesitated. There were ditches on either side of the road, big enough for me to stand in, and a deep trench down the center which would only allow the left tires a narrow track to the bottom. One wrong move and we’d be slippin’ and slidin’ the whole way to camp.

Moving forward, I placed my hands on ten and two, sat up straight in my seat, and pointed Wanda directly to her lane. She hopped and she jerked and she rolled slowly right into the level patch of dirt patiently awaiting her arrival. We did it! Just in time to see the sun wave goodnight and the mosquitoes eagerly come out of hiding to welcome us home.

What a lovely community hidden here deep in the Elk range of Crested Butte, only the steadfast welcome.

the keeper.

I open the door to find the rhythm of the crickets,

the unfaltering gaze of the moon in a sky freckled with stars,

the plushness of the earth giving lightly beneath my feet.

 And then the hum of the HVAC unit shakes me.

I open my eyes, reminded of this imprisonment called home.

Turning around, I walk back through the doorway that almost assisted my refuge.

 Rotating the lock, I am my own keeper.